Archive | October 2008


Ray added a new word to his vocabulary today. His own name.

First, a bit about my day. I wasn’t feeling good, physically or spiritually. I felt like my sould was slowly being over taken by a great, gray fog. (Yes, I am a bit melodramatic. But in a cute way, you have to admit). So there I was at day care, picking my little man up for the day.

He had painted his name, with a little help from the most bestest daycare diva ever, and we were sounding out the letters. “R”, we would say, and he would repeat it back “R”. The same with “a” and “y”… Except for today. Today, on the second go through, my little man said his R… Then “Ray.”

His name.

He didn’t just say it, either. He stated it with authority and a whole lot of personality. He made that name his own.

I was so excited I nearly wet myself. I think my eyes misted over, just a bit, too.

Ray has a language delay. At 28 months, he has the vocabulary of an 18 month old. He’s been tested, and is still being tested.  Tomorrow, they test his hearing (which I’ve been pushing for). Last week, he had a preliminary autism screening, with a follow up visit on Thursday (which I do not believe that it is– he’s way too social and wants very much to be a part of everything).

This language delay has bothered me for a while. As someone who relies so much on words, how would I- how could I– communicate with my son? Will he know the joy of learning like I do? Of being able to get lost in a book, a story, to the point where the real world just drops away?

I want the very best for my son. What mother doesn’t? But I also don’t want to try and push him to the point where he gets frustrated. It’s a very fine line that we balance on.

So when today, he said his name….

Yeh, I cried.


Today was a busy day. Dear Husband (DH) had to go into work, so Boy Wonder and I went up to see Grandpa.


Seeing Grandpa is a 30 minute drive, but so worth it. Boy Wonder loves looking at trees, and if there were snow in California I’d say the road was made for the song “Over the River and Through the Woods.”


I love bringing BW to Grandpa’s for several reasons. One of which is I love talking with Dad. He’s a very intelligent, thoughtful man and I have never come across a topic that I could not talk to him. Ever. Even though he is an Elder in our church. Another reason is that BW gets to run wild in the back yard. The rain held off, and boy howdy did he run. He Swiffered the back patio and grass until not a speck of dirt remained. Ran this way and that. Generally had about as much fun as a 2 year old can.


It also afforded me time to talk with Dad. Since the death of his wife a few weeks ago, I’ve talked to him about twice a day and seen him on Sunday at church. But to really get a good idea of where he was at, I needed the conversation today. Sitting on the patio, holding hands with Daddy, watching Boy Wonder run wild… We talked.


He is handling his grief probably just about right. Dad says he should probably trim the rose bushes because they need it, but he can’t bring himself to do it. I offered, thinking that maybe it had to do with his back or something. “No,” he said and I could hear the tears in his voice, “She loved them so much, I can’t do it. Jane used to always say that some women get a bouquet or two of roses from their husbands, but her husband gave her a whole yard bursting with flowers.” As we spoke, with only an occasional jump up to grab a certain curious 2 year old, I could feel Dad trying to get back to being ok, even though it will be a tough, lonely road.


We talked of things that happened both with my mom (married from 1944?  until her death in 1993), and with Jane (married to her since 1994). He loved doing things with both of his wives, loved traveling and seeing new things. He has a monster of a motor home, and no where to take it. Because it would “just be too lonesome to do those things alone, now.” Right before each of their deaths, he was making plans for when the felt better—Where they would go, what they would see. Only, with this most recent loss, I believe he knew where the chips were going to land.


That’s not to say that he’s not grieving now. Or that he’s practicing “grief light.” Just that he started grieving in a different way a long time ago. Grieving for the relationship, for the things that they used to do, the life they led. To care for someone with a terminal illness takes a very special person. To do that and still allow them to have hope, and plans for the future: I can’t imagine the strength that took.


Tears have been shed. Some today, some last week at church when the closing hymn was “God be with you till we meet again.” I hope he knows that God is with him. That all of us kids would do anything we could for him. That both Mom and Jane want nothing but the best for him, and expect nothing less from him.


He’s a very good Daddy.


So.. We have the little hand-held packet Yahtzee game. And every once in a while, I’m able to sit down and play a game. I get so caughtup in trying to get the 3’s, or the small straight… That I get mad when I hit a Yahtzee.


I know, I know! But it’s very easy to get caught up in the details, or in one detail, that you forget what the heck you’re doing. What the goal is. My boss is always saying “Begin with the end in mind.” While normally I think he’s nuttier than a jar of Jiff, on that I have to agree.

Except, what if I don’t know what the end is? Or I take a detour and find something better? My mind does tend to wander a bit. What happens when I roll the die and get crazy good numbers ~ but they’re already taken? Me thinkest that such times are perfect for a little chance.

Pieces of me

SO. I wanted to start this off so I could write and post and just get the words out there. Sometimes funny, sometimes not. Always honest. And I had success! I got what I thought was my first post up… and it turned out it was a page (see Bouqet of Love).  Sigh. I am learning though, and that is what is important, right? Sooner or later I’ll figure out what the heck Tags and categories and all the other lovelies are around here and maybe use them. Right now, though, I think I just need to get the words out.

Learning. Writing. Getting it all out there. Itty bitty pieces of me, for the whole wide world to see.

I’ll try not to puke.