First Rejection & Snow

Of the year. And it’s fine, it’s part of the process. It’s fine. I read somewhere once that being rejected just means your story has not found a home yet.

What hurts is that in the midst of the s**t show of the last few years, I lost both my physical log and the computer log of where I had submitted which stories.

In the rejection letter they were absolutely both extremely professional and kind. Especially since I had apparently submitted that story to them in 2021.

Sigh.

So many emotions are swirling in me right now. A morass. Not because of the rejection of the story. It will find its home.

And it hit hard because I’m trying to find my footing in my new home. Most of that is working through the mental state that I arrived in. My home is still in disarray, and when I lay in bed and close my eyes I see my old room. My old life.

Friday night & Saturday morning we experienced our first snowfall that stuck. My son still calls California home. Sunday we went to lunch with my niece & her family, and I borrowed a shirt for a wedding next weekend. Wednesday I put my kid on a plane to our old home to visit– and I’m hoping he gets on the plane back 12 days later. I’m hoping he doesn’t get into trouble.

I’m also looking forward to time without him. Time to make a freaking mess of the house so I can put it together the way I want to.

My words are messy, but they are coming out. I’ve got 2 stories I’m working on because well, messy. I wrote a poem.

I talk to my bestie on the phone everyday. She’s still in Cali, and is my backup with the almost adult boy I’m sending out there. I miss her. I have family here but haven’t made friends yet. I also don’t really go anywhere– haven’t even been to the library yet. I do recognize the cashier at the Dollar General, but I’m sure I’m just another face in the day to her.

Well. This has gotten a lot more personal than I thought it would. Hope you don’t mind. My brain doesn’t feel as messy.

Until next time, my lovelies!

I Don’t Know

What I’m doing and it’s getting pretty obvious.

Let me explain. That would probably help, right?

Or maybe I should flex my description skills. It is one of the areas I lack, or need more practice with. The Lazy Writer, remember?

Bare bones edition: I am trying to figure out how to pack up a 3 bedroom home that my father lived in for 20+ years and the Princeling & I have lived in for 14 years and move away from the area I’ve lived for 20-ish years.

Possibly the state I’ve called home my entire life.

Probably.

More than likely.

Now, let’s add to the stress of our hapless heroine. The last time time she moved it was in a hurry-+ clothes and toys shoved into trash bags filling up the trunks of 2 cars. She was able to go back later and grab a few precious items, but not all.

Now, of course, everything is precious. And not just to her. It isn’t just move, trash, yard sale piles. There’s also FAMILY pile, stuff the family might want. The problem is,  well, family.

Sometimes it feels as if–+ well, I put it this way. If I let everyone have the things they asked for there would be nothing left. Not a stick, not a stone. Not even the stuff that belongs to me & my son.

I just threw some stuff in the trash. It unfroze me for a minute. But there’s also a fear of… What if someone asks for it? Let’s be clear: this stuff wouldn’t be sold in a yard sale and belonged in the trash. My insides twist and turn, knot and release.

And the creative ideas are popping like bananas but I have energy and/or ability to function in the single digits. I’m scared. I’m frozen. I haven’t had a chance to breathe because hits just keep coming and yea, I still need to grieve as well.

I started writing prose poetry to work on my feelings. It’s working. I’m getting out the vitriol and it’s helping me heal and remember family is family and I do love them. They love me too, it’s just other things getting in the way.

It’s supposed to be 108 today. I’m not going to be doing much out in the garage until much later. I got started…. And that’s half the battle.

Momcation

I haven’t been by myself in a house for an extended amount of time in… Years. I always have my son (15) or my dad (95) around or coming back. It’s wonderful. I love my family. But….

I used to love living by myself too. I’ve always kept myself occupied– readings writing, television. I’m not one that gets bored and stays bored. The quiet is a friend of mine- it allows a moment of reflection, a deep sigh.

Thanks to Caltrans and my Best friend I just had that. A glorious Sunday through Thursday morning where I stayed in a house all by my lonesome. Caltrans closed the freeway that I need to get to work. (Not a work vacation, alas). My BF is travelling, and offered her house. I have to tell you….

It. Was. Glorious.

I wrote and sent out cards. I didn’t cook ANYTHING. Frozen all the way. And after work, I went to the real happiest place on earth, Barnes and Noble, and bought many wonderful magazines. One was brand new to me, called Oh, Reader and I read every single article in it. Which has inspired me– to do magazine reviews. Share what I’m loving. Maybe a few book reviews in there too.

The fact is that I miss blogging. I miss sharing the things I love, and boy do I love books and magazines!

I love my family. Of course I do.

But I missed myself, and didn’t even realize what had been missing in my life was ME.

Hey you

Hey you. Yes, you. I see you there. I know you’re scared, and I don’t want to tell you not to be afraid…

And yet…

Here I am. Telling you it’s OK to be scared, but you still have to go on. Maybe it’s something you’ve wanted for a long time, something positive even, but it’s such a huge change that you’re scared to death. 

It’s OK. Let’s breath through it. We will make it to the other side, and you might even wonder after all is said and done why you were so scared. You might even feel a bit silly, but that’s OK too. I’ve been there.  You’ve been there too, so remember to just breath. And maybe giggle a little. 

It releases tension.

Truly. 

And even if it’s not ok, I’ll sit with you on the darkest night and light a candle for you. Call me and I’ll just breath on the other end letting you know I’m there. Maybe it won’t be ok again today, or tomorrow….

But things will be ok again. And after they’re ok again, you’ll be able to search for the good days. The awesome days. 

You’re not quite ready to believe in them, but they’re out there. So I will hold the dream for the both of us.

Santa Mom

I felt my mom close to me this weekend, as if she were with me while I shopped. She was there as I found the special soup spoons she used when we were sick, and the babmoo grippers thingees that she used to pull toast out when it got stuck in the toaster. She was there with me in a tractor supply store (don’t ask), as I started bawling.

I started bawling, the first time, because of a day planner. The year my mom died, she kept a day planner, and used the spaces for days of the week as a sort of journal. The comings and goings of us kids, all grown, and her little trips with dad… all in the little journal. Some weeks were full to the brim. Some only had a few filled out.

Then she died.

I couldn’t look at that blank planner, so I started filling it in for her. Comings and goings, a little glimpse into life right after she died. It was 20 or so years ago, but I still remember that journal. I think I still have it somewhere. But I know it. I know the cover, i know the feel of it, and I know what it looked like on the inside.

And in the tractor supply store, right with all the calendars… was a copy of that same damn planner, only for 2017. Same. Damn. One.

I bought it. I will put it into my stocking, and I will write in it. Buying it means that I now have 2 but one will be for my writing and one will be for my adventures in mommyhood.with my boy.

And then Walmart happened.

In talking with a friend, I told her I don’t know why I’m so emotional today. I don’t know why this is happening, but…

But I’m tired of being the one to do for everyone. I do stockings for everyone in the house, because Mom did. Because to me, that stocking shows time and attention and love. Dad used to do mine, and help with his current wife’s stocking… but since the stroke (and maybe a little before), it hasn’t happened.

I know every single present that is currently under the tree.

Even mine.

And it sucks. Because my son would love to do it for me. And wanted to. But I didn’t think to think outside the little house. But next year, next year… I have 2 different people who have said that they will take him out shopping for me, and help him do my stocking too.

Friends and family are a blessing. But sometimes, you have to stop being so strong and powering through… at least enough to ask for help.

I fell Mom close to me right now. Not just because of the stuff, but because of people willing to come together and help out.

Love you guys.

If you know someone who is a single parent, if the child is old enough, offer to take them shopping for their parent. Both the child and the single parent will appreciate it. Being strong and keeping it together, especially under the pressure of making the perfect holiday is tough.

 

 

Love Never Dies

I know this to be true:

Love remains, even when all that is left is a memory.

Love remains, through the years you should have had together.

Love remains, even as grief changes the very molecules of your soul.

Love remains, as you live your life, alone or with others.

Always, always, love remains.

Love never dies.

Little Boys, Elderly Parents & Friends with Depression

The Poetry Edition

I recently had a phone call, where I was told that I am a natural “mothering” type of person. I like to take care of everyone, nurture them, all that good stuff. But I also need to learn to let go, to remember that not every battle is mine to fight, and sometimes people need to grow on their own. Mother and Smother are very close.

Last weekend, I broke a glass. I told the Princeling to stay out. Except, he didn’t. He calmly put on his shoes, gave me mine, then went to get the big dust pan. I swept up, and he picked up the larger pieces of glass and placed them carefully in the dust pan. The entire time, I was biting my tongue trying to keep the words behind my teeth.

Don’t do that! You’ll cut yourself! I don’t care if I bleed, but I can’t stand it when you do! What actually came out of my mouth was Be Careful.

He took the dust pan out, emptied it in the garbage can, and we went on. Except, you know… It hit me. My son is growing up. Helping. Taking care of me, even when it’s not all roses and sunshine.

Roses have thorns, and sunshine can burn, so I guess there really is no safe way to allow him to grow and never get hurt.

It was a broken glass. No drama, no life coming to an end. But something happened, and he came and helped his mom. Even if my neck muscles tightened as he helped me.

Then there’s my dad. I love my dad. He’s my hero, and one of my best friends. He’s still regaining what he lost, but he’s home. He’s walking with the help of a walker, and starting out with a cane. He does his exercises regularly, and enjoys going out. Nothing’s going to stop him.

Especially not a paranoid daughter.

He went out to the garage to wait for my son’s bus (which was late). Ok, fine. Except… When he first came home, I was trying to get someone to make a dump run for all the crap in there that has to go. His old recliner (replaced with mine), and old toilet (I know, I KNOW!), some wood and a broken lawn chair.

And dad went out into that mess to wait for my son.

You know, the mess that I’m afraid will kill me, let alone my father?

I can deal with him walking out to the mail box. He’s doing more and more and more every day. But that garage scares me. Now, I know my dad is a tough old war bird. He’s 89 and of sound mind. I need to let go, and let him be. I also called and rescheduled that dump run. I’m done waiting for it.

Done!

So that takes care of the two closest to me. But then, then… there’s my friends. I’ve touched before on the fact that I have had situational depression. It is nothing compared to what they go through, their struggles. I have no idea what they go through every day, one still in the midst of it and one keeping the delicate balance of not sliding back in.

There really is only one way to try and express my feelings about it. As a person who loves someone living with mental illness.

It took three tries.

Three.

A magical number.

Poem 1:

Tell the demons I’m here to stay,
There is no playground
For them to frolic
I locked the gate-
Threw away the key.
I smiled at each
And every
single
one
as my blade
shaped by love
Conviction
Strength
Love
Friendship

Pierced them
One
by
bloody
one

Until all heed
My battle cry
Be gone!

Yah, I loved that poem. Kick ass, it is. It’s also patently false. I cannot see, feel or fight their demons for them. It’s what I’d love to do. But I can’t fight their battles. They have to fight them on their own. No matter how much it kills those of us that love them.

Poem#2

I will hold the sword
as you ready for battle
I will hold the line
as tightly as I can
while you don your
armour piece by piece
Don’t forget the heart
Never forget the heart

I will walk with you by your side,

step
by
bloody
step
through the garden of your demons.
Although~
I feel helpless
and afraid
for this is a battle
you must fight

Why can’t I slay
               them for you?

I will stand beside you offering what I may.

This second one feels truer than the first, but it is also a pretty lie. We can’t walk with them, can’t help in so many ways. I can’t make the fear and depression go away even if I’m right there with them. It feels like there is no way at all to  do anything to help our loved ones. We want the battle to be fought and won, but that’s not how it works.
But there is something we can do. Even though it kills us. We, the nurturers, the mothers, made by God to help…. It feels so often as if we are failing them, failing ourselves.  But we’re not…

Poem #3 Sojourn

I cannot wield the sword
To destroy your demons
I cannot walk this mile
In your shoes…

Nor any other.

The tangled leaves blowing
Through your depression
Are a mystery to me.

So I sit here,
Quietly,
Holding a candle
That it might…

Maybe…

Possibly…

Send a glow of warmth
On your cold sojourn back.

I love you, my friends. I’ll try to keep lighting that candle: whether it’s with notes or phone calls or visits. I will always have a candle going for you.

© 2015 Wynelda Ann Deaver All Rights Reserved

Tiny House Dream

A lot of things are going on for the princeling and I, and one of the things that happened was this: We turned too quickly to get into the rehab facility my dad is at, and ended up in the driveway for senior apartments over looking a pond/lake sort of thing. “Oh, I’d love to live here!” The princeling was all for it. Then we started talking and realized we both would love the same thing: An apartment or condo on the beach.

I am not a house kind of person. I rent a room at my dad’s house, and I love living here…. but. Not so much right now. For one thing, he’s not here. We are definitely missing our Poppa. Hopefully he’ll be home soon. But also because of the actions of another person, who… I don’t know. To me, it seems as if they either didn’t want poppa to come home, or they wanted the princeling and I gone. Personally, I’m starting to think they just throw stuff out there, hoping it will stick to someone and take the spotlight off of their actions.

Four people have a key to the house. I’m ok with that. I’m not okay with people coming in and complaining that the house is torn up, it’s horrible, it’s a mess. Yes, I keep my room a little messy. Yes, Ray’s room can get destroyed. He’s 9. And the doors shut. No one else needs to go into our rooms. However, in all the years I’ve been out on my own… Never has the public spaces in my home been too messy for anyone to visit. Anyone. When my brother came to check it out the first time, there were maybe 4 dishes in the sink. That’s it.

Four freaking dishes.

I enjoy apartment living. I don’t want to have to fix plumbing or air conditioning. There is no way on God’s green earth that you want me taking care of a yard, lawn or otherwise. Thankfully, I didn’t kill off the grass completely, it’s coming back… but in my defense, the sprinkler system stopped working as if someone had unplugged it. Then the freezer went kaput. Thankfully, a neighbor came over and figured it out. Whew! A little reset button for one, and the power breaker for the other.

The fuse box in an apartment is normally either in a closet, or in the kitchen.

Apparently, here, it’s on the side of the house.

There’s the cooking and cleaning, which is fine, I get it. Nothing more than what I’d have on my own in an apartment. However, if I was in my own place, my very home would not be in jeopardy because of someone else’s lies about my housekeeping. Right now, I have a pit in my stomach because there are 4 cups in the sink and a few spoons,  a fork and a knife. That’s not right– the house is not a mess. It looks like someone lives here… but we do! We live here!

But I’m ok. The great thing about smart phones is that you can record stuff with a time and date stamp. So for the past week I’ve been making a video of the house then texting it to my dad and my brother’s wife. Because yah, it got to that point.

And it’s sickening to think that someone would be that low. Especially when anyone around us can tell that one of the reason’s my dad is fighting so hard to come home is because of that little boy. Both of their faces light up when they see each other, and my son is definitely the star of the show.

But the star of the show told Poppa on Saturday that he and I were working on a Tiny Home Dream. I explained to poppa that it would be 5 to 10 years away… but yes.

The goal is my son and I, in a tiny home, where we will not have to live wondering what a certain person has said about us this day.

PS- I’m happy to report that the power bill was less than normal! Part of the reason is that I turn off the air when I leave. Even on the days when it hit 1-5. the house was only 85. Turn it on when I got home… BOOM. At least I won that one!

Later in the week, I plan to catch you all up on what we’re up to. Yes, I said we! I’m part of a writing group now, and I’m actually getting a bit prolific. I know I’ve been gone from here for a while, but I’m writing, it’s good… and you know what? It’s enjoyable! It’s fun!

Love, Grief and Mashed Taters

When I awoke on Saturday morning, it was to the news that Shirley, my sister in law, had suffered a stoke. She’d been airlifted to Sacramento. I went to be with the family, to offer support as I could, and to love and pray with them.

The situation was dire.

And all I could think of were her mashed potatoes. Shirley married my oldest brother, Richard. Her sons bracket me in age— I was the midlife crisis baby. I was little, maybe 5 or 6, and Charlie (my brother closest in age to me) and I were at their house for dinner. I was told that I had to finish everything on my plate before I could have something to drink.

It included a big heaping dollop of mashed potatoes.

I loathe mashed taters, always have, always will.

In a flash of sibling solidarity, as soon as she left the room, Charlie scraped all of my potatoes onto his own plate and I finally got something to drink.

And this past weekend, somehow, I ended up peeling a bag of potatoes for a church potluck.

Monday at 1:39pm, Shirley went home.

Losing your mother at any age is devastating. If I could spare them the pain, I would. I hope they know they are in my prayers every night, and that I love them fiercely. I was 24 when my mother died, she was 65? I understand how grief can come at you and rip you apart. And amid this grief, this wreckage left of their lives….

They have to somehow pay for a funeral.

Kimmy said it best:

“Walked put of the hospital today.. I was the last one to leave the room.. Carrying moms clothes.. Feeling so numb.. Not wanting to leave my mother.. Please help me get mom transported home..go to Linda Shelton go fund me account so we can bring mom home…”

Ricky posted:

I just changed my Facebook status to public because my mom just passed and my sister Kim took on the responsibilities of power of attorney. We have no ability to pay for the funeral cost. I am reaching out to the public in hopes that I can help my sister the strongest women in the world be able to lay our mothers body to rest. We are sorry to request assistance from others but are lost and stuck with no other options. We are good people and our mother was our best friend in this world if you can help please do. We are in such great need.
God Bless you all. Rik.

 

David & Stephanie have been quiet— or I haven’t seen it because I decided to hide from Facebook.

Here’s the thing. I’ve never asked for any money on this site. I’ve stopped following people who because just one long harrange for money. But this is my family. And when your whole world has been knocked out of orbit with no warning… the expenses pile up ruthlessly. All four of the kids have jobs, they have families that they are supporting with little or no extra. Kim used her car payment for transportation.

If you can help them, the site is here

And if you can’t help with money, please pray for them, keep them in your thoughts. It’s a hard road to tread, and they were thrown onto it with no preparation, no map….

 

 

Billy & Linda

It is burned into my heart, the last time I saw them together.

He was laying in the hospital bed, she was by his side. There was a group of us in the room. He was razzing her, complaining that she was spilling water on him (the cup rested firmly between his hands). I watched as it tipped a little, then a little more… Until he was splashed yet again. (Notice I didn’t mention anything about saying anything to the poor guy about the impending splash down?)

The teasing could have gone either way. But all of a sudden, she bent over him and they kissed. And a small part of me just said “oh.” Oh. This is what they mean, the love that they always try to portray in movies and romance novels and never get quite right.

Billy, we’re going to miss you forever.  Linda, I can’t imagine what you’re going through, but we love you.