Quarter 1 Writing Goals

For 2023 I had some goals. Mostly related to writing. So far, I am failing at every single one of them.

1. Write and finish a novel

2. Submit short stories (these are already spot polished and ready to go)

3. Blog every other week

4. Read 150 books

Well, as you can tell from my blogging history this year (up till recently) I have failed on that one. I have written exactly 1 paragraph in the novel I started. This past week. As for books I’ve read… I am at 29 so far.

So I have a few options here. I can hang my head in shame and give up because I’ve already sucked at it and I’m going to keep sucking obviously. But that’s not ME talking, nor is it anyone I love. It’s that tiny, tinny voice in my ear that tells me I’m never going to do anything. I’m not a good writer I’m not pretty enough talented enough… I’m not enough of anything.

Or I could remember that I wrote my stories, published and otherwise, for me. That I enjoy writing them. That it helps me work through ish, even if I’m never a writer making money at writing. Art isn’t about money, or shouldn’t be.

And that might be my problem. Coupled with having been sick off and on (mostly on) since Thanksgiving, I haven’t been able to even think about actually writing. But lately, I’ve been thinking about my story. About where it needs to go and what the story actually is.

Because originally it was going to be a spicy romance. Because that sells. But it doesn’t sell a book to me. Even tho I’ve read romances since forever, I have never written one explicitly. Or am explicit scene. The closest I’ve come is a sweet romance. Although I have written at least one spicy scene, it’s not in a story that’s going anywhere right now.

And that’s ok. The last thing on my mind right now should be writing for cash. Although with prices going the way they are it’d be nice. It’d be helpful. But I need to get in a different mindset because apparently that one strangles me creatively.

So. I wrote a paragraph this week. And for me that’s a big deal. And that’s ok. I’m not in this right now for anything other than me. Of I find homes for my stories that’s wonderful. But I need to get back to writing for that first reader.

Me.

Things Happen Along the Way

I alluded in my last post that something happened on Mother’s Day. It did, and it is something that the family is still learning to deal with. My son and I have been living with my dad for the past 5 years. On Mother’s Day, he had a stroke. Due to complications, he has only been home 2 days since then.

I still was hoping though… thee was that contest with a road trip…. and I couldn’t compete. Well, I could have but I could not have lived with myself if anything happened while I was away. There was a choice, and I took the one where I could live with myself.

But it hurt. Oh goodness, it hurt not to compete. To give up that dream.

And so… as things go… I was posting things on Facebook that were not my jolly, happy, encouraging self. A friend noticed (hi mel!) and we started talking. And amid everything else, it felt wrong to feel kind of pissed off at the world over a stupid missed opportunity. I hadn’t even won it, but to not even compete! My dream felt like it was crumbling, breaking apart in my hands. My dad’s health uncertain, fiction well dried up and now I can’t even go learn how to do this other type of writing…

Whoa. Wait a minute.

It was actually on one of the days that Dad was home that he mentioned… there was no reason why I could not write about local places to go. Or to send stuff into the local paper. I also can research like a boss, so check check check! It wasn’t what I had wanted… but really, the main dream has always been pen to paper… finding my path.

And a couple of friends along the way. The three of us all went to Jr. High together. We all enjoy writing, and are all at different points of where we are at with it, but ready to try new things. And it turns out that I’m not even writing about travel, per se, but instead about finding God in my nature journeys. The river grounds me spiritually, and I’m enjoying that. Fiction may or may not come back, but at least I’m writing.

I even wrote a poem! If you’re unlucky, I’ll post it! hahahahahahahaha……

Seriously, be good my lovelies…. or I might post my attempt at a poem.

I’ll be back again soon, I promise.

Lost Pathway

Seeds of Change

If you’re on Facebook, you’ve probably seen the analogy of the seed: that it has to allow itself to be completely undone in order to change into something else.

I’m debating this one, hotly, right now.

And yes, I am talking to myself again. Loudly.

I had major surgery back at the end of June. One week from today, I’ll go back to the day job. But I’ve had a lot of time to think, think, think… Especially when I was waking up all the time for pain managment (making sure I got the ibuprofins at the right time) and hot flashes (back chohate really works!). I thought of what would make me feel good about my writing, what would make me feel like things were worth it.

Let’s face it, right now I’m a sprinter. I can do the short story, and I enjoy writing them. Even when I was writing novels, however, I never saw myself as sitting at a conference selling books and signing autographs. Would I like to be on the best seller list?  Of course.

But it was never my main dream.

Every time I let myself drift and dream, I find myself imagining not scores of readers… but talking to potential writers. Poety. Journaling. Story telling. All of it. I want to share my passion for words and how they have helped me every step of the way.

My seed hasn’t come completely undone. Perhaps it already had done that a long time ago. Instead, my branches are reaching for a different part of the sky. Maybe not the part you’re reaching for, maybe not the part others like… but the little slice that is mine.

Now… how to go about doing this? I have some preliminary plans in place… we shall see if they go anywhere. But I’ll never know until I start.

(The hilarious part is I’ve always shied away from teaching because of the public speeking part of it. Wheeee!)

Deer in the Headlights

I have a fast approaching deadline… and I haven’t finished my story yet. Close… But nowhere near it.

 

I haven’t been writing for several reasons. Everyone got sick and I had to step it up. Check. I got sick.

Ick.

Then I fell.

But mostly, I didn’t write because I’m afraid of my ending. I’m afraid of pushing the buttons until she comes thisclose to breaking. And I’m afraid of the whole story, really. It’s so different from my normal zone. However, Rie says I can do it and I believe her.

She said I could publish Dragon’s Champion and darned if I didn’t do that.

So now it’s time for me to take that advice and get down to the business of writing. I’ll be back soon, with reviews of some really great series, and a word of caution on the temptations of Smashwords.

Till then, my lovelies, I shall be pushing on with this dang story.

New Years Goals: 2013

So it’s a new year again, this time with my luck number~ 13. I haven’t done any “resolutions” for a very long time, I’ve mostly skipped on that portion of celebrating the new year.

This year is different.

What’s different about it? Well, I’m getting my voice back (writing wise) and feeling more capabale in general. More able to take on risks. Sooo… without further ado, I give you:

RESOLUTIONS 2013

1. Write a novel. This one’s a no brainer, and it’s one that has been chasing around in the back of my mind for a while. I think it needs to perk a little bit more, but that’s ok. I’m a quick writer.

2. Write my Bon Jovi Rock Opera. Actually, it’s either more of a one woman play or something with a narrator that does all the talking, except for the songs. This one has already started to tingle my fingers, which writers will understand. I drove to work on Friday screaming ‘ MY FINGERS ARE ITCHING, MY FINGERS ARE ITCHING!!!” I hate to think what the person next to me thought, but you know… Itchy fingers for a writer are a good thing.

3. Get passports for my sonand I. I don’t know how easy or hard this will be. I don’t talk about it much, but I have full physical and legal custody of my son, so you would think it would be easy. However, the ex is still alive, if not in the picture right now. So we shall see. But this leads into wanting to be able to travel to Europe with Ray in 2014.

A girl’s gotta have some goals, right?

4. Accept how I look. Not to say that i don’t want to loose weight, or what ever. But I hate getting my picture taken. HATE IT. If you’ve friended me on facebook, you know I RARELY post pictures of me. But what does that do to my son? When he’s older, is he going to care whether or not i was overweight? Or will he care more that he has no pics of his mom, and none of us together? Yah. I got over myself real quick with that one. I posted 2 or 3 pics with me in them to Facebook last night, as a matter of fact. So progress!

5. Be Joyous!! Let the boogie out!!!

6. Pray every day for the women of the world. It’s easy to forget here in the US, where we have an expectation of safety to a certain degree (and yes, mostly, but there are always exceptions)… But in other parts of the world young girls are being beaten, shot, killed for daring to want an education. In other parts of the world, young women can be out with an escort and get beaten and raped,… and ultimately killed. This last case polarized the country, and hopefully will bring about change in India. I’m still gonna pray for them. just my thing.

7. Figure out how to write a montage scene in fiction with 2 characters who are geographically far apart. I think i’ve figured it out, but will see.

8. And this one hurts. Even more than number four. Write more, read less. I can’t write if my head is always in someone elses world. I just can’t. I know some of you are here because I started reviewing books.,.. and i’ll still do that to a certain degree. But writing book reviews brought me back to *my* writing…. And I need to do this. For me, for my son.  (BTW– i do have a very interesting book review for next week. HA!)

Anyways, that’s the list as of right now. 8 tiny little goals. Right? Not too ambitious, right?

 

Yah, that’s what I thought!

The Big Five Oh, and other news

I did it! I hit the big Five Oh! No! I’m not fifty years old (SHEESH)~ I now have fifty blog followers. So, a big THANK YOU to all fifty of you guys who follow me.

WOHOO! You guys ROCK!

Meanwhile, back at the ranch….

Talked with my publisher, and it looks like Dragon’s Path will go into edits next month and is currently scheduled to be unwrapped in December. Yay! I’m also up on their blog right now (see, i did write a blog post on Sunday, it was just for a different one! LOL!). It’s all about the first and only time I tried my hand at a scary story.  I’m having a hard time on WordPress with links and pictures and things, so I’ll just copy and paste right here: http://mochamemoirspress.blogspot.com/2012/10/telling-stories-by-wynelda-deaver.html

Hah!

I think I also added their link to my page, or at least the link to their blog. I think. I’m not as techno savvy as I thought I was hehehe.

In actual writing news, I am almost done with the retelling of Cinderella. I’m within shouting distance of the ending, and I found out what Fairy Tales mean to me. They aren’t about the magic, or about the prince… They are about hope, about dreaming of a different future for yourself.

I like that.

And it just sort of popped out, slapped me upside the head as a character popped off with that line in the story. It feels right, it fits the character and it fits me. Hope is always a good thing.

Till later, my lovelies!

 

SHHH!

Dear Customer:

 I know that some of you are used to talking with someone else. You’re not really used to me, or to talking to a girl. Lets face it, you spoke with him for years and years. So when he called you, you felt not only that you could trust him, but that here was someone you are comfortable with. So you gave him an order. An opportunity to quote. An opening.

Something you might not know is that almost everyone here has been bound by a confidentiality agreement at all times. That means, in effect, for three years the person who has signed that agreement cannot call customers that they have dealt with at our workplace, use knowledge of our pricing structures to under cut us with said customers, or try and get the same products from our suppliers. To do any of these things wouldn’t just be unethical, it would be illegal for the person who had signed the contract.

It’s easy to say, “Oh, I would never do that. It’s illegal.” What if there was no confidentiality agreement? If it were legal, but not necessarily right.

 Here’s what I did. I was laid off last winter (2008/2009) due the economy. At the time of my being laid off, I had *no* confidentiality agreement on file. The person who did all of our HR let it slip by the wayside. I could have gone to any one of our competitors with no legal ramifications. It was not, however, something that I could live with. So when I looked for work, I looked outside the industry. At the time, there were 10 ads in the Sunday Paper for jobs. But still I persevered. Luckily, when business started picking up again, I came back to work here full time. And I never compromised my principles.

I don’t have the product knowledge that 14 years in the industry can provide. You aren’t as comfortable with me as you are with him. Nothing but time will cure these things. But I will never do anything that goes against my ethical code. Not even to benefit myself. I’ve even told my boss and co-workers when they were doing something that I didn’t feel was right. If a customer deserves a price break, I fight for it. If there’s anything I can do, I do it. That’s who I am.

Some other changes that might amaze you: you’ll never hear me bad mouth my boss, the company, or other such stuff to you. You are my customer, I’m here to HEAR you, not the other way around (and besides, really? That’s what friends and family are for LOL). I won’t tell you one thing, then do another without telling you first, along with an explanation of why I had to do that.

So call me. Lets start to get to know eachother.

Thank you & Good Night

Believe

Believe

 

Lonely mother in the

darkest dread of night

Baby’s crying and she’s

holding on with all her might

Can’t hear the whisper

of God in her ear,

too busy hanging on

to pain and fear.

 

Believe. Believe.

Open your heart to Me.

Believe. Believe.

Step into My healing grace.

Believe. Believe.

 

So many lost and

wandering souls

trying to hang on

amid an army of woe.

If they’d hit their knees

and bow their heads

they’d find the answer

to the dread.

 

Believe. Believe.

Open your heart to Me.

Believe. Believe.

Step into My healing grace.

Believe. Believe.

 

Left years of pain

and strife behind,

Listened to the voice

of God to find.

Joined an army

ten million strong

voices lifted up in

glorious song.

 

 

Believe. Believe.

Open your heart to Me.

Believe. Believe.

Step into My healing grace.

Believe. Believe.

 

 

Stories & Itty Bitty White Lies

So we’ve all been sick lately. Ray had Strep Throat, which made for a terrible weekend for him. High fevers, trouble swallowing… the whole she-bang. I’d been having problems with my ear, and feared I had given this terrible sickness to him but I didn’t have time to go to the doctors myself. Brian did, and discovered that he had the beginnings of Strep as well. (I finally made it to the doctor’s yesterday… By God’s grace no strep– ear infection with fluid build-up was my diagnosis).

SO. Most people who know me know that I have a general rule that I don’t lie. It bites you in the butt, makes it very hard to keep things straight, and quite frankly it’s not worth the loss of trust. I write fiction, tell stories… But as a general rule, no lying.

The story-telling comes naturally. I talked with Dad this morning, and told him about my ear and he told me a lovely story of why fluid build-up in my ears hurts like the dickens. Apparently, there is a ship in my ear, and when I shake it it causes waves. The masts rise and fall, nicking the top of my ear canal. And those poor mates trying to swab the decks are forced to run after loose cannons– every once in a while one will get away and explode– which causes the exploding pain only once in a while.  Very clearly a story, although it’s one I really really like! (I may steal it from you Dad, and make a children’s story about it!)

Yesterday was a long day for me. Went to work, hustled and bustled. Had to leave a bit early, because Auntie Gacca’s doctor office asked for her to come in early. Since she had watched Ray while he was still contagious for me– no brainer. But I hadn’t eaten except a couple of bites all day long. So. Took her to her doctor’s office, took her back home to a neighboring town, and went to see my doctor. AN HOUR AND A HALF WAIT. But, I got what I needed and it was now 7:30pm. I had a long drive home, had to take Gacca home still, and, well… I was hungry. So we hit the drive through.

Now, here comes the itty bitty white lie. When I got home, I told Brian that no, I didn’t eat at McD’s. I only got a sweet tea. Heh. AND OF COURSE I GOT CAUGHT IN THE LIE WHICH IS WHY I NORMALLY DON’T LIE!  Apparently, I dropped a couple of french fries while driving. SIGH.

SO. Why even bother? I’ll tell you. I only really do this with Brian. Why? Because it’s easier than dealing with the guilt trip or anger or pouting. I can take the consequences with everyone else, up to and including my bosses.  The truth is, lately, I don’t know what’s going on with him. There are some things that he’s dealing with, and it seems to make him upset all the time and of course the person who gets the brunt of it is me. Why? Because I stay. I won’t leave, or tell him he’s a bad person because he’s having a bad day.

Yesterday, he barely talked to me before work. Even though we shared a car ride to his work. I was in the bath-room a lot, and he didn’t ask why (violently sick, although I still made it to work, which is why I didn’t take anything substantial for lunch). I’m guessing he assumed I was in there, smoking, avoiding taking care of my responsibilities.

I wish, sometimes, that he could see the world through my eyes. That he could see the beauty and the joy and just let the other stuff fall away for a while. YES, I know that things are bad. I know that money is tight, and that yesterday was a horrible day at work and we have even more horrible things to come. But on the way home to pick up Gacca for her doctor’s appointment I saw the most beautiful sight. God had hung one of his paintings in the sky for me and I composed a (very bad) poem to him which I kept saying louder and louder about Belief.

Many people don’t get this about me. I am outwardly a very optimistic, rose colored glasses kind of girl. I know that things are bad right now. I KNOW that they might get worse and it breaks my heart. But I also believe deep down inside that there is a plan for us. There is beauty and joy even in the darkest times of life. Yes, it is hard. But someone has to be the cheer-leader. Someone has to try and make a happy home.

So what if that home has a little dust or a dirty dish or two? I never let the dishes over-flow (I can’t, no dishwasher and no counter space and a two year old with a five year old’s reach).  Complete filth does bother me, but a little dust, a little mess… not so much. Yes, I tend to nest. But that’s the way I am…. I love people for who they are.

Love me the same way.

Please.