Archive | July 2010

American Dream vs. American Nightmare (the car dream)

My first love was a car. I’m not ashamed of that fact. It was a 1976 Camaro and worthy of that love. Red with a white vinyl hard top it was love at first site. I was a rock n roll princess in that car, and had am eclectic soundtrack to match.  Poison. AC/DC. Ratt. Motely Crue. Ohhh…. I was a rock n roll princess.

I started the college track, the one where I made Dean’s List and finished with a MA in English and a finished Novella, in that car. I had confidence. I had adventures. Driving to the store, to work, anywhere was an adventure in that car. R and I would travel an hour to go see a band in a bar, wind whipping through our hair as I pressed the accelerator and DROVE.

I was living the American Dream.

Now I got a broke down Neon. No money, not even to buy a rattletrap. SIGH.  I feel like I’m trapped in the American Nightmare.  I know that there are other people out there in the same, or worse situations. But it always feels so much worse when it’s your own version.

I love the beach. My son, 4 years old, has never been. Only a fraction of that is because of money. Some of it, too, is that the adventure wasn’t complete. We needed a cool car. A reliable car. A fun car.

My dream car? A candy apple red Chevrolet Camaro. I’ll admit, though, that if I had a yellow one with a black stripe down the middle… Well. I’d get the next generation’s American Dream into overdrive.

Of course it isn’t practical. Of course. I’m not stupid. Gas, insurance, blah blah blah. We’re talking dreams here. I’m older, and so are my friends. Not sure they could handle the back seat. Or that I could handle a car seat in a back seat that folds forward. But if they had a car that fit my life… And made me feel like HRH Mommy? (And okay, if I had the money…)

Ohhh… Money would be a good thing. Travel. A real home. And a kickin’ car. A car worthy of a soundtrack. A life that reflects my dreams, and not one that I want desperately to wake up from.

(I promise to be more upbeat next time)

Bone Tired

I am bone tired. With Brian’s having chemical burns on his feet from a cement burn gone bad… And Ray being a very healthy 4 year old who doesn’t go to sleep until 10pm  and my getting up at 5am (which is when I’m talking to you).. Well.

Mommy needs a day off.  And that’s just to start with.

Of course, being bone tired has allowed me to come up with some startling observations. Some of them just plain wrong, some of them weird. A lot of them will find their way into my writing and my evil plan to take over the world through words…

1. Is it just me, or is it very WEIRD for a Liquer Store to have a sign that reads “WE SELL BEER, CIGARETTS, DRUGS” ? Maybe somewhere else that last word wouldn’t mean what it does. Maybe in a small town, they would read it as asprin, or pepto or something.

2. I’ve watched the TRANSFORMERS movies a gazillion times. Like I said, 4 year old boy, healthy, mommy needs a little time. Soooo… Was I just not paying attention, or is it really hard to identify that ALL of the Autobots (except Optimus, the big rig) are Chevrolets? I knew Bumblebee was a Camaro… But why are they not making the most of that? Huh?I had a guy from Australia I was talking to yesterday ask me if Chevy went out of biz. Out of Biz! Chevy!

3. A baby turtle will snap at a four year old’s fingers if you let said 4 year old hold him while cleaning the tank. Dot DOt the turtle is very cute. Kind of freaky when he sleeps underwater, tho. Can a turtle drown?

4. I have so many ideas floating around in my head that I’ve filled pages and pages in a journal with them. I’m gonna start doing things with those ideas shortly. Just as soon as I get some sleep. I promise.

5. I get REALLY cranky if I don’t have a little time to myself. And the hour and a half in the morning doesn’t count. Mommy needs some Me time at night too.

Writing for hope

So I sent off the email yesterday morning. If I don’t get a response soon, I may just post it here and see what we see. But there are 2 things that are really resonating with me right now…

Instead of thinking about what I’d normally do, I have assigned myself the persona of one of my favorite characters when it comes to my writing: Alex. She kicks butt and never asks questions about it, does what needs to be done, and at the end of the day loves her family and has compassion for her fellow travellers. It really sucks though, that I have to PRETEND confidence in my writing.  But, it is what it is, and as long as it gets me to push the SEND button on my email it’ll do. Who knows, maybe I’ll start sending in the other ideas too… It’s an idea, not sure it’s a good one, but it is an idea.

In researching, revising, rough drafting that email, I have come up with several other ideas. Writing begets writing. Hopefully, someday QUICKLY something will stick with someone.

Because I need hope. I need to get out of the muck I’m stuck in. I need some hope, a little flicker at the end of the tunnel. I need a lot of things, but I need to live my dreams and escape back into my real life… The one that I used to have where every day was an adventure and I my very own soundtrack.

Yah. Rock n Roll Princess meets kick butt Alex. That’s who I want to be when I grow up.

Nerves of Jelly

The problem with having self esteem issues is that when you do decide to Go Big or Go Home, your nerves start wobbling like Jelly… Or Jello. Whatever.

The key is to do it anyway. Hit send. Commit to the act.

Because otherwise, how will our children ever learn? How can I tell Ray Ray to grab the brass ring, to go for broke, if I can’t or won’t do it? The kid has enough problems, and he is busy conquering each and every one of them.

So.

Mommy went big, so she can go home and look Ray Ray in his adorable eyes.

Go Big or Go Home or, Will Write for a Car

When you’re the working poor, The sole provider for the family on a small salary and things look like they are never, ever going to get better… When your car dies and you have no money to fix it, or to buy new, or to even used… OR even good enough credit to do so…

When you’re living in a 1 bedroom apartment, and your son is the light of your life… And you don’t know how on earth you’re going to get school clothes, let alone a college education for a boy who is bright as the stars, even if he learns a little bit differently…

Well, when that happens there’s only one thing an educated, creative woman can do.

Go Big or Go Home.

I know I’m a little different. I know my sense of humor sometimes gets me in trouble.  But I also notice things that other people don’t.  I’ve passed that onto my son, who is a constant joy.

So. I WILL WRITE MY WAY INTO A NEW CAR. A NEW LIFE. IT’S THE ONLY OPTION LEFT TO ME.

JK Rowling did it. Now it’s my turn.

GO Big, or GO Home.

Good wishes are welcome. As are ideas on how to go about it.  Love ya all, hope to see much more of you in the coming days. Because it’s time for me to take a stand for that little boy and give him the life he deserves, the one that my parents provided for me.